Matchmaking

What's up with that ish?

On the real, though....

What's up with that ish???

Am i just too cynical to open myself up to possible "magic" or is it cause I'm mature enough not to open myself up to weird weirded out weirdness that gets weirder and weirder?

Hmmm.....

matchmaking......

Sturraaaange........

Lulu Nation is...filled with glee...

...despite the frikkin' wet logged Super 14 game...

....despite the torture of watching "No Country for Old Men"

...despite the rain..and the cold...

....despite having no clean clothes....

...despite the impending broke ass long weekend...

...despite her own damn self...

Lulu Nation is...

....apparently forbidden fruit. HAYI BO!

A little thank you note…

Thank you for making me laugh!

Thank you for not pinching me back as hard as I pinch you

Thank you for your wisdom and your interest in mine

Thank you for being honest (I’ve never liked them games either)

Thank you for not ever dissing my Jay Z obsession (even though I know what you really think)

Thank you for farting in my presence and letting me do the same in yours (even though mine are much more bearable than yours)

Thank you for the breath of fresh air...the cynicism desperately needed some diluting

I don’t really know where this is going…but thank you for the warmth and the now, I guess!

Fear

If you were to ask me, on any given day, what I’m scared of…I’d probably give you a list of all sorts of bizarre things ranging from pigeons all the way to ghosts…but on the real…this is what I’m really scared of….

I’m scared to wear it, in case I look ridiculous

I’m scared to tell them they suck, in case they ruin my career

I’m scared to tell her I think she’s a racist, in case she misunderstands me

I’m scared to tell him what really happened, to seem stronger than I really am

I’m scared to know the truth, because it might change everything

I’m scared to tell her to stop talking so much, because I love her too much

I’m scared to speak out, in case I sound stupid

I’m scared to pack up and go, in case there’s nothing to come back to

I’m scared to say I’m sorry, in case she thinks it’s ALL my fault.

I’m scared to tell him I dig him deeply, in case he doesn’t dig me back

I’m scared to see him again, in case I can’t forgive him for leaving us.

I’m scared to tell her I no longer want to be her friend, in case she goes over the edge.

I’m scared to say hello, in case he does not remember me

I’m scared to fall in love in case it ends

Most of all, I’m scared to dream big, in case I cannot reach them….


PS: I’m also scared to post this on my blog in case I sound downright pathetic…..

The battle....

After 3 hours of trying to come up with a clever line to start an article that’s due tomorrow, I’ve decided to give up and resort to writing even more bullshit for the blog.

Topic of the day:

Can men and women be friends?

Yesterday, I would have answered: “Of course”, and laughed at the absurdity of the question, today my answer is: “Yeah, until they fuck.”

So is the question then: Are heterosexual men and women who are supposedly friends, just working their way to fucking or at least, almost getting there? Are we inherently just plain old animalistic when it comes to relationships, of any nature, between people of the opposite sex?

I am an intelligent young woman who does not see the world in black and white, but truly appreciates and lives off the grey. But my experience, something I have come to rely on more than theory these days, has taught me otherwise. I have recently realised that my friendships with men, most that is, are fraught with sexual tension. Am I, in my subconscious, secretly lusting for them? Are they, in their subconscious (or perhaps deliberately) imagining what it would be like to do “it”? As we sit there, supposedly doing normal friend things, is our animal instinct constantly at work, patiently waiting to be unleashed? Am I mentally fucking my male friends? SHEEEEEEEEEESH!

This brings me to this here question: “How are same gender friendships different from friendships between men and women?” If men have this brotherhood that ensures that their secrets and escapades are closely guarded, and women have the same kind of thing, how can both sides ever be friends? Does the female monkey have a male monkey friend from the other side of the mountain, who is only interested in listening to her rant about her boyfriend or her fight with her best friend and nothing else? Is it absurd to even begin to see the world and human relations through purely scientific concepts? Is my denial of the basics of human genetics and behaviour directly related to my constantly fumbling my way through the world? Is my belief in the existence of platonic friendships tragically naïve?

If I were to stop asking so many questions and rely on what I truly know through experience and the conversations I’ve had with my female friends, I would come to the conclusion that men and women cannot be friends because it really is all about sex, at the end of the day. Imagined sex, dreamed sex, possible sex, planned sex, suppressed sex, almost sex…..Sex, sex, sex sex…

So where does that leave my grey-area-loving self? I guess high and dry, slightly saddened and mostly mourning my notion of male friendships. You can probably tell that I’m skirting around the issue, which is purely for self protective reasons. But the point of it all is that today I decided to dedicate the little conservatism left in me into being more cautious when it comes to my friendships with men. I’m about to get downright old school!

.....

I'm in hibernation....more like a rut....more like confusion.....EVERYTHING STANDS STILL...It's nice here...limbo...full of excuses to not move forward...I will be here for a while...maybe until the month ends...maybe I'll hold it off until the beginning of April...It's nice here...

Friendship....

...can be extremely tiring and confusing.

This weekend got me thinking about this ish. What the fuck is friendship and what does it entail? I looked at my so-called friends, and found that I had 4 types!

1. Good time friends
I have friends who know how to have a good time aka "Good Time Friends". I see them during the weekend, when times are good, and the money's in the bank and the party's on and that's where it ends really (and we like it that way)!

2. Parasitical Friends
I have friends whose shit I listen to every fucken day. Friends who take up my time complaining about their fucken priviledged existences. Friends who hardly ever ask how I'm doing and when they do, it's just to be polite! Very often, I feel like screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP, I GOT BETTER SHIT TO DO", mid conversation. But I don't. I sit my ass down and listen and hope that one day it will be okay and that the topic of conversation will change. I now think that day is never coming.

3. Fake Friends
I have friends who pretend to listen, but never remember a gahd dang thing about me. Friends I love dearly but I could never ever count on! Friends who I would never call if shit went down and I needed help ASAP! It ain't cos I'm judging, but cos I've tried it before. Friends who are too self-involved to have my back. Friends who will only be there when there's nowhere else to be. Friends who will never tell me what's going on in their lives, no matter how much I ask. Friends that make me question why the fuck I love them so dearly.

4. "My Heart"
I have friends who listen to my shit, give me sound advice about men, sex, work, money, depression, outfits, errthang. Friends who comfort me when I'm down, share my sense of humour, forgive me (eventually) when I've fucked up or fucked them over majorly! Friends who will never forget my birthday, what food I eat, or don't eat...Friends who will remember to send me a good luck sms on the morning of my interview and remember to ask how it was later that day! Friends who never ditch me and if they do, they give me enough prior notice! Friends who have my mama's number on speed dial. Friends who tell me the truth even though I don't want to hear it. Friends who will buy me Nando's when I'm ass broke and still take me out to dinner even if I got paid! Friends who and still party with like crazy!

I guess I AM bitching but there comes a time when you have to start calling a spade a spade in case you get mad confused. Growing up ain't easy and what makes it difficult is naivete and pleading oblivion. I don't blame you for being a bad friend or a non-friend. I blame myself for letting you do it!

And so at the end of this weekend I decided to get out of that mode and start using my energy, wisely!

"The Ground Beneath Her Feet"

For Lulu, who inspired this Lulu Nation and much more.......

A passage from "The Ground Beneath Her Feet" by Salman Rushdie

"For a long while I have believed … that in every generation there are a few souls, call them lucky or cursed, who are simply born not belonging, who come into the world semi-detached, if you like, without strong affiliation to family or location or nation or race; that there may even be millions, billions of such souls, as many non-belongers as belongers, perhaps; that, in sum, the phenomenon may be as “natural” a manifestation of human nature as its opposite, but one that been mostly frustrated, throughout human history, by lack of opportunity.

And not only by that: for those who value stability, who fear transience, uncertainty, change, have erected a powerful system of stigmas and taboos against rootlessness, that disruptive, anti-social force, so that we mostly conform, we pretend to be motivated by loyalties and solidarities we do not really feel, we hide our secret identities beneath the false skins of those identities which bear the belongers seal of approval. But the truth leaks out in our dreams; alone in our beds (because we are all alone at night, even if we do not sleep by ourselves), we soar, we fly, we flee. And in the waking dreams our societies permit, in our myths, our arts, our songs, we celebrate the non-belongers, the different ones, the outlaws, the freaks. What we forbid ourselves we pay good money to watch, in a play-house or movie theatre, or to read about between the secret covers of a book. Our libraries, our places of entertainment tell the truth. The tramp, the assassin, the rebel, the thief, the mutant, the outcast, the delinquent, the devil, the sinner, the traveler, the gangster, the runner, the mask: if we did not recognize in them our least-fulfilled needs, we would not invent them over and over again, in every place, in every language, in every time.

No sooner did we have ships than we rushed to sea, sailing across oceans in paper boats. No sooner did we have cars than we hit the road. No sooner did we have airplanes then we zoomed to the furthers corners of the globe. Now we year for the moon’s dark side, the rocky plains of Mars, the rings of Saturn, the interstellar deeps. We send mechanical photographers into orbit, or on one-way journeys to the stars, and we weep at the wonders they transmit; we are humbled by the mighty images of far-off galaxies standing like cloud pillars in the sky, and we give names to alien rocks, as if they were our pets. We hunger for warp space, for the outlying rim of time. And this is the species that kids itself it likes to stay at home, to bind itself with...what are they called again?...ties."

I've had a lot of fun watching these:

1. I can't do without a daily dose of Recess
2. Big Brother Africa has just become completely too embarassing to even watch on my own
3. BBC Prime has some of the dopest doccies I've ever seen on TV
4. SABC 1 will surprise you: I caught Bus 174 and Do The Right Thing (again)
5. I'm strangely addicted to Zone 14
6. Entourage is the shiznit
7. Sex and The City (BOX SET) ---- ENCORE ENCORE
8. America's Next Supermodel - VIVA TYRA, VIVA SISTERHOOD
9. Crime and Investigation to be avoided at all cost - it will make you paranoid, gloomy and could even cause nightmares or even worse, make you lose faith in humanity! SHEESH! BUT VERY ADDICTIVE
10. Tarantino's newest release "DEATH PROOF" - I haven't had such a mindblowing group movie experience in a long long time! FOK!
11. Muvhango - why do the scenes always seem like there are about 30 seconds a bit tooo long. I still watch, tho!