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I had a crazy weekend and bumped into many delightful peeps and beloveds. I love this city!

I finally got to meet my cyberfriend Phantom and it was freaky how it felt like we'd been hanging forever. I guess we have. But it's strange to meet someone you already kinda know, for the first time, in person. Have you eliminated the need or importance of the physical? Cyberfreaky...!

I saw my nephew and I always almost lose my breathe every time I see him. It's frikkin amazing how beautiful and innocent and peaceful he is. He's my inspiration.

I am having a good time. A time of clarity. A time of plans. A time of absolute waving of both middle fingers in the air.to every cynical, pessimistic, frontin' mofo in the world.

I thought of something about myself and people I have been observing.

"A superiority complex might just be a not-so brilliant way of masking an inferiority complex"

That kinda makes things clear for now...

This week...

...I became an aunt to a teeny weeny leedle baby boy (I have no words)


...I let go a bit too much, a bit too quickly, a bit too spontaneously....( I still have no words ;-))


....Moses Taiwa Molelekwa came back into my life in the form of "Genes and Spirits" (I cried tears...in the office....oy vey)


....I finally put "it" behind me, for good, and it felt right, brought me much needed peace...Thank the Lawd for clarity!


...I found out, for sure, that I am a monkey, a metal one apparently...(Thanks V!)


Aaah....this life.....

!

I can't escape this life that I'm livin'...I'm in a mix I'm in love with 1, 2, 3, 4....SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(*HIDES*)

TICK FUCKEN TOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's more than 7 months into the year and I can't help feeling like a failure....again..Don't get me wrong, I've done a whole lotta ish that I've wanted to do for a while but that given, I was still not able to put together a banging short story for a competition I've wanted to enter for the past 3 years. Should I be banging my head against the wall for not, yet again, being able to meet this deadline? Damn straight! I freakin lack focus.

I spent way too much of my time putting my energies on bullshit! Even tho I'm over the fucken bullshit, it keeps haunting me.....Now I'm fucken paying for it! Over and over and over again...Will I try to bang together something HOT over the coming weekend? Probably, but it'll be crap I'm not proud of....What if I can't let this one go...again? What if this feeling of failure will haunt me forever and ever..? What if I never get the chance to enter again? What if I can never ever forgive myself for that fucken wasted energy I can never get back? WHAT IF I can't fucken let go?

TICK FUCKEN TOCK...I can hear the damn clock ticking away...And I can't stop it!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've run outta things to say.....

I've been so caught up with work, day and night, that I didn't quite realise that I was FINALLY FEELING GREAT after a long, torturous, terrible terrible spell!

And so I wanted to stop by and say, just so I don't forget, that today I woke up to the realisation that I've got my mojo back!

I hate and love, just as much, the way ups become downs and ups again....and downs...and so on! But I can never quite get used to it!

Welcome back, dear mojo, I've missed you...I hope you stay a little bit longer this time!

Now back to work....it is, after all, the year "2000 and Sebenza"

HOlla Black!

Living in the music...

I love music...I can't function without it. I don't know where it comes from, but i always have. Perhaps it was my mom's obsession with it...she had it all....with particular bias towards Ms. Flack (aaaah....) or my grandmother's singing, all the time, everywhere, she'd even sing instructions to us...she was always singing....or my late aunt's Brenda Fassie craze...boy did we hear enough of Mabrr...or my youngest aunt's obsession with everything soul!!!! aaah....Sunday mornings.....or my cousins messing with making beats on the computer all the time every day....or my other cousin and his turntables taking Pheli by storm or perhaps my brother's taste in music....wide, varied....great, amazing!

I breathe it ....it oozes through my pores...there's a song for every day, every feeling and I still haven't heard a fraction of all the good music of the world. It irks me to no end....

And so I found a mix cd a good friend made for me the other day which inspired me to go on a crusade to ask people to share what they like with me. A sweet workmate's just given me some suhweet tunes! (noooise)! My bro has promised a banging selection (you rock)! And the buzz has promised me some too (she's got great taste)!!!! And I'm dedicating the whole of Sunday to searching for old classics at the music shop!!! I shall soon have enough to go underground with and hibernate!!!

In my solitude...

I got home last night with no intention of lying on the couch and watching TV...again. So I took my jacket and decided to walk to the coffee shop at the mall for some alone time before a possible movie date with malaveeng, and perhaps a second chance at saying hello to lone sexy cappucino drinking, book wielding, cigarette smoking dude! It was fokken freezing, so you can imagine just how much I wanted to leave the couch and tv situation. I took my book and a notepad, not quite sure how long i'd survive chilling there on my own. I got a seat at "our" table and started reading and reading and thinking and thinking...the world around me dissappeared and I sat there thinking, wow, this is so cool!

Me myself and I getting by, just fine! For the first time, in a long time, I felt just fine being on my own. I ended up coming up with a brilliant idea for the film that's mos def taking us to the next level. I ended up thinking about myself and what it is I want in life. What kind of people I want around me. And what it is I want to do with this life! You gotta love the cheeze!

And so Malaveeng arrived, beeming as usual, and we go watch this movie that she apparantly heard amazing things about. "The Breach" WTF? The cinema at the pensioner's mall is empty! So we start watching this movie and it's really not going anywhere...so we start chatting, because we can....and soon after decide to take our catch up session to a more social space! Viva Gin and Tonic....nice one!

I guess my point's that it's nice to be alone, at times, and comfortable with it but it also feels great to have people to be with! I love mapeeplez!

NOTE TO SUCKER PUNCH: You know i love you and everything, but please bring back my laptop...You are standing in the way of great things! Mnxim!

Lulu Nation is...

...on a cloud left of nine, chilling hard!

It's nice here...a cool small cloud with very little activity. The few people that are here are kinda special. This cloud is very much unlike 9...this cloud is VIP! I hope they let me stay....

PS: !i wish i wasn't so allergic to punch! Eish....

High school reunions are weird. So, who are you married to? How many children do you have? What car do you drive? What is it again that you do? Watch how much wine she’s drinking. Oh, she smokes too. She’s gained a lot of weight. Where did his front teeth go? Are tenders really how he bought that car? Dang HE still fine!

Smile, smile, take pictures. Dance a little bit…useless chit chat…and then everybody grabs their cell-phones eager to escape this weird situation and get back to normal life. Strange, very strange these things.

I get over the highs...I think

I found some much needed clarity late Sunday evening. My panic stricken self could not sleep. My mind was racing through all the possibilities. I felt the foolishness rushing back into my system. I was losing again. As my heart pumped a bit too hard and too fast, and my hands shook uncontrollably, the tears refused to stream down my face and hence depriving me of much needed relief...I asked for strength...Over and over and over and over again....until my prayer became a chant...until my heart beat calmed to its normal tempo, until my hands stopped shaking, until the anxiety that kept me awake melted away. I knew that no matter what the actual details were, I would be okay. I took a stance to not be swayed by the actions of others. It's okay...I do, really get over the highs, I think....

I shall continue to ask for more and more strength...I think I'm going to need it!