I've been so many places in my life and time
I've sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhyme
I've acted out my love in stages
With ten thousand people watching
But we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you
I know your image of me is what I hope to be
I've treated you unkindly but darlin' can't you see
There's no one more important to me
Darlin' can't you please see through me
Cause we're alone now and I'm singing this song for you
You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding
I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
You taught me precious secrets of the truth witholding nothing
You came out in front and I was hiding
But now I'm so much better and if my words don't come together
Listen to the melody cause my love is in there hiding
I love you in a place where there's no space or time
I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
We were alone and I was singing this song for you
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Celebrating Love
I once met a “chick” called Lelethu whom I later nicknamed Lulu. My Lulu was a truly phenomenal one, who, at an age far younger than mine, exceeded my fierceness, confidence and optimism about life, love and everything in between. Totally in awe and inspired, I started this blog and assumed the pseudonym: “Lulu Nation” as an ode to her ability to speak freely about anything, at any time, with anybody, in any situation. If you knew this Lulu, you would know this to be true and would have experienced the many gems she spit, and, the equal amount of faux pas that she would later kick herself for. What was most amazing about her was the way the faux pas always facilitated lessons for her, and this, is what I admired most about her – the fearlessness to say the wrong thing in aid of learning something new. And so the spirit of this blog and my latter published work was birthed…
If you knew Lelethu in some way or other, you probably experienced a person who was full of praise and compliments. You probably also knew a person who arrived and then arrived and stayed there until she had to leave. She paid attention. Lelethu was also a person who loved fun, laugher, silliness, dancing, music, movies, books, exercise, people, travel and everything life had to offer– she not only wished she could do all these things, she actually did them. Lelethu’s days were full – so fully that we would complain because our time with her was always limited.
Lelethu was a giver. She gave me many “things”, out of the blue, because she thought of me. But the best things she ever gave me, and continued to give me until her very last day on earth, were the endless compliments and recognition for the many things I did. Lelethu gave props. She gave me props on my beauty, my work, my silly jokes, my style – everything. It is because of the things that Lelethu saw in me, that I began to learn that I am as great as I believe to be. If you are anything like me, this is a very hard realisation to come to after a very long time of self flagellation. This, dear friends, is not a romantic memory of a friend who is no longer here but a testament of a true gift from above.
I am not quite sure why I am writing this. Perhaps it is so as not to forget, because to forget would truly be spitting in the face of this great gift that was bestowed upon me. Perhaps it is to share what I believe was a divine experience from above that was always meant to be brief.
On the day she died, I bumped into Lelethu on her way to a meeting. She was just on time but insisted that she give me a lift to the next building where I was to have my meeting. I thought it was rather absurd as she was going to be late for her meeting and the building was just a five minute walk away. She insisted…
We caught up for as much as the time would allow. At the end of that drive, as I was about to step out of her car, she looked at me and said: “Follow you destiny, my friend…I love you”. And with that I said goodbye and went on my merry way. That was the last time I saw my friend alive.
I dwell in cynicism, you see, and have, in the past, looked for every reason to not succumb to mushy, romantic ideals about life. “It’s a self preservation thing, you see?”
After all the tears that never seem to run out and after all is said and done, I can truly say that I have changed, for I now know love and what it feels like to be truly blessed. I know that optimism about life and its possibilities is something to be cherished, nurtured and celebrated. Call me mushy, idealistic and romantic. I truly don’t care....
Chom’am, “my friend”, Looksie Love, Love Lam’, My Lulu…Your love lives on!
If you knew Lelethu in some way or other, you probably experienced a person who was full of praise and compliments. You probably also knew a person who arrived and then arrived and stayed there until she had to leave. She paid attention. Lelethu was also a person who loved fun, laugher, silliness, dancing, music, movies, books, exercise, people, travel and everything life had to offer– she not only wished she could do all these things, she actually did them. Lelethu’s days were full – so fully that we would complain because our time with her was always limited.
Lelethu was a giver. She gave me many “things”, out of the blue, because she thought of me. But the best things she ever gave me, and continued to give me until her very last day on earth, were the endless compliments and recognition for the many things I did. Lelethu gave props. She gave me props on my beauty, my work, my silly jokes, my style – everything. It is because of the things that Lelethu saw in me, that I began to learn that I am as great as I believe to be. If you are anything like me, this is a very hard realisation to come to after a very long time of self flagellation. This, dear friends, is not a romantic memory of a friend who is no longer here but a testament of a true gift from above.
I am not quite sure why I am writing this. Perhaps it is so as not to forget, because to forget would truly be spitting in the face of this great gift that was bestowed upon me. Perhaps it is to share what I believe was a divine experience from above that was always meant to be brief.
On the day she died, I bumped into Lelethu on her way to a meeting. She was just on time but insisted that she give me a lift to the next building where I was to have my meeting. I thought it was rather absurd as she was going to be late for her meeting and the building was just a five minute walk away. She insisted…
We caught up for as much as the time would allow. At the end of that drive, as I was about to step out of her car, she looked at me and said: “Follow you destiny, my friend…I love you”. And with that I said goodbye and went on my merry way. That was the last time I saw my friend alive.
I dwell in cynicism, you see, and have, in the past, looked for every reason to not succumb to mushy, romantic ideals about life. “It’s a self preservation thing, you see?”
After all the tears that never seem to run out and after all is said and done, I can truly say that I have changed, for I now know love and what it feels like to be truly blessed. I know that optimism about life and its possibilities is something to be cherished, nurtured and celebrated. Call me mushy, idealistic and romantic. I truly don’t care....
Chom’am, “my friend”, Looksie Love, Love Lam’, My Lulu…Your love lives on!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Matchmaking
What's up with that ish?
On the real, though....
What's up with that ish???
Am i just too cynical to open myself up to possible "magic" or is it cause I'm mature enough not to open myself up to weird weirded out weirdness that gets weirder and weirder?
Hmmm.....
matchmaking......
Sturraaaange........
On the real, though....
What's up with that ish???
Am i just too cynical to open myself up to possible "magic" or is it cause I'm mature enough not to open myself up to weird weirded out weirdness that gets weirder and weirder?
Hmmm.....
matchmaking......
Sturraaaange........
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Lulu Nation is...filled with glee...
...despite the frikkin' wet logged Super 14 game...
....despite the torture of watching "No Country for Old Men"
...despite the rain..and the cold...
....despite having no clean clothes....
...despite the impending broke ass long weekend...
...despite her own damn self...
....despite the torture of watching "No Country for Old Men"
...despite the rain..and the cold...
....despite having no clean clothes....
...despite the impending broke ass long weekend...
...despite her own damn self...
Monday, March 17, 2008
Thursday, March 13, 2008
A little thank you note…
Thank you for making me laugh!
Thank you for not pinching me back as hard as I pinch you
Thank you for your wisdom and your interest in mine
Thank you for being honest (I’ve never liked them games either)
Thank you for not ever dissing my Jay Z obsession (even though I know what you really think)
Thank you for farting in my presence and letting me do the same in yours (even though mine are much more bearable than yours)
Thank you for the breath of fresh air...the cynicism desperately needed some diluting
I don’t really know where this is going…but thank you for the warmth and the now, I guess!
Thank you for not pinching me back as hard as I pinch you
Thank you for your wisdom and your interest in mine
Thank you for being honest (I’ve never liked them games either)
Thank you for not ever dissing my Jay Z obsession (even though I know what you really think)
Thank you for farting in my presence and letting me do the same in yours (even though mine are much more bearable than yours)
Thank you for the breath of fresh air...the cynicism desperately needed some diluting
I don’t really know where this is going…but thank you for the warmth and the now, I guess!
Fear
If you were to ask me, on any given day, what I’m scared of…I’d probably give you a list of all sorts of bizarre things ranging from pigeons all the way to ghosts…but on the real…this is what I’m really scared of….
I’m scared to wear it, in case I look ridiculous
I’m scared to tell them they suck, in case they ruin my career
I’m scared to tell her I think she’s a racist, in case she misunderstands me
I’m scared to tell him what really happened, to seem stronger than I really am
I’m scared to know the truth, because it might change everything
I’m scared to tell her to stop talking so much, because I love her too much
I’m scared to speak out, in case I sound stupid
I’m scared to pack up and go, in case there’s nothing to come back to
I’m scared to say I’m sorry, in case she thinks it’s ALL my fault.
I’m scared to tell him I dig him deeply, in case he doesn’t dig me back
I’m scared to see him again, in case I can’t forgive him for leaving us.
I’m scared to tell her I no longer want to be her friend, in case she goes over the edge.
I’m scared to say hello, in case he does not remember me
I’m scared to fall in love in case it ends
Most of all, I’m scared to dream big, in case I cannot reach them….
PS: I’m also scared to post this on my blog in case I sound downright pathetic…..
I’m scared to wear it, in case I look ridiculous
I’m scared to tell them they suck, in case they ruin my career
I’m scared to tell her I think she’s a racist, in case she misunderstands me
I’m scared to tell him what really happened, to seem stronger than I really am
I’m scared to know the truth, because it might change everything
I’m scared to tell her to stop talking so much, because I love her too much
I’m scared to speak out, in case I sound stupid
I’m scared to pack up and go, in case there’s nothing to come back to
I’m scared to say I’m sorry, in case she thinks it’s ALL my fault.
I’m scared to tell him I dig him deeply, in case he doesn’t dig me back
I’m scared to see him again, in case I can’t forgive him for leaving us.
I’m scared to tell her I no longer want to be her friend, in case she goes over the edge.
I’m scared to say hello, in case he does not remember me
I’m scared to fall in love in case it ends
Most of all, I’m scared to dream big, in case I cannot reach them….
PS: I’m also scared to post this on my blog in case I sound downright pathetic…..
The battle....
After 3 hours of trying to come up with a clever line to start an article that’s due tomorrow, I’ve decided to give up and resort to writing even more bullshit for the blog.
Topic of the day:
Can men and women be friends?
Yesterday, I would have answered: “Of course”, and laughed at the absurdity of the question, today my answer is: “Yeah, until they fuck.”
So is the question then: Are heterosexual men and women who are supposedly friends, just working their way to fucking or at least, almost getting there? Are we inherently just plain old animalistic when it comes to relationships, of any nature, between people of the opposite sex?
I am an intelligent young woman who does not see the world in black and white, but truly appreciates and lives off the grey. But my experience, something I have come to rely on more than theory these days, has taught me otherwise. I have recently realised that my friendships with men, most that is, are fraught with sexual tension. Am I, in my subconscious, secretly lusting for them? Are they, in their subconscious (or perhaps deliberately) imagining what it would be like to do “it”? As we sit there, supposedly doing normal friend things, is our animal instinct constantly at work, patiently waiting to be unleashed? Am I mentally fucking my male friends? SHEEEEEEEEEESH!
This brings me to this here question: “How are same gender friendships different from friendships between men and women?” If men have this brotherhood that ensures that their secrets and escapades are closely guarded, and women have the same kind of thing, how can both sides ever be friends? Does the female monkey have a male monkey friend from the other side of the mountain, who is only interested in listening to her rant about her boyfriend or her fight with her best friend and nothing else? Is it absurd to even begin to see the world and human relations through purely scientific concepts? Is my denial of the basics of human genetics and behaviour directly related to my constantly fumbling my way through the world? Is my belief in the existence of platonic friendships tragically naïve?
If I were to stop asking so many questions and rely on what I truly know through experience and the conversations I’ve had with my female friends, I would come to the conclusion that men and women cannot be friends because it really is all about sex, at the end of the day. Imagined sex, dreamed sex, possible sex, planned sex, suppressed sex, almost sex…..Sex, sex, sex sex…
So where does that leave my grey-area-loving self? I guess high and dry, slightly saddened and mostly mourning my notion of male friendships. You can probably tell that I’m skirting around the issue, which is purely for self protective reasons. But the point of it all is that today I decided to dedicate the little conservatism left in me into being more cautious when it comes to my friendships with men. I’m about to get downright old school!
Topic of the day:
Can men and women be friends?
Yesterday, I would have answered: “Of course”, and laughed at the absurdity of the question, today my answer is: “Yeah, until they fuck.”
So is the question then: Are heterosexual men and women who are supposedly friends, just working their way to fucking or at least, almost getting there? Are we inherently just plain old animalistic when it comes to relationships, of any nature, between people of the opposite sex?
I am an intelligent young woman who does not see the world in black and white, but truly appreciates and lives off the grey. But my experience, something I have come to rely on more than theory these days, has taught me otherwise. I have recently realised that my friendships with men, most that is, are fraught with sexual tension. Am I, in my subconscious, secretly lusting for them? Are they, in their subconscious (or perhaps deliberately) imagining what it would be like to do “it”? As we sit there, supposedly doing normal friend things, is our animal instinct constantly at work, patiently waiting to be unleashed? Am I mentally fucking my male friends? SHEEEEEEEEEESH!
This brings me to this here question: “How are same gender friendships different from friendships between men and women?” If men have this brotherhood that ensures that their secrets and escapades are closely guarded, and women have the same kind of thing, how can both sides ever be friends? Does the female monkey have a male monkey friend from the other side of the mountain, who is only interested in listening to her rant about her boyfriend or her fight with her best friend and nothing else? Is it absurd to even begin to see the world and human relations through purely scientific concepts? Is my denial of the basics of human genetics and behaviour directly related to my constantly fumbling my way through the world? Is my belief in the existence of platonic friendships tragically naïve?
If I were to stop asking so many questions and rely on what I truly know through experience and the conversations I’ve had with my female friends, I would come to the conclusion that men and women cannot be friends because it really is all about sex, at the end of the day. Imagined sex, dreamed sex, possible sex, planned sex, suppressed sex, almost sex…..Sex, sex, sex sex…
So where does that leave my grey-area-loving self? I guess high and dry, slightly saddened and mostly mourning my notion of male friendships. You can probably tell that I’m skirting around the issue, which is purely for self protective reasons. But the point of it all is that today I decided to dedicate the little conservatism left in me into being more cautious when it comes to my friendships with men. I’m about to get downright old school!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
.....
I'm in hibernation....more like a rut....more like confusion.....EVERYTHING STANDS STILL...It's nice here...limbo...full of excuses to not move forward...I will be here for a while...maybe until the month ends...maybe I'll hold it off until the beginning of April...It's nice here...
Monday, November 26, 2007
Friendship....
...can be extremely tiring and confusing.
This weekend got me thinking about this ish. What the fuck is friendship and what does it entail? I looked at my so-called friends, and found that I had 4 types!
1. Good time friends
I have friends who know how to have a good time aka "Good Time Friends". I see them during the weekend, when times are good, and the money's in the bank and the party's on and that's where it ends really (and we like it that way)!
2. Parasitical Friends
I have friends whose shit I listen to every fucken day. Friends who take up my time complaining about their fucken priviledged existences. Friends who hardly ever ask how I'm doing and when they do, it's just to be polite! Very often, I feel like screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP, I GOT BETTER SHIT TO DO", mid conversation. But I don't. I sit my ass down and listen and hope that one day it will be okay and that the topic of conversation will change. I now think that day is never coming.
3. Fake Friends
I have friends who pretend to listen, but never remember a gahd dang thing about me. Friends I love dearly but I could never ever count on! Friends who I would never call if shit went down and I needed help ASAP! It ain't cos I'm judging, but cos I've tried it before. Friends who are too self-involved to have my back. Friends who will only be there when there's nowhere else to be. Friends who will never tell me what's going on in their lives, no matter how much I ask. Friends that make me question why the fuck I love them so dearly.
4. "My Heart"
I have friends who listen to my shit, give me sound advice about men, sex, work, money, depression, outfits, errthang. Friends who comfort me when I'm down, share my sense of humour, forgive me (eventually) when I've fucked up or fucked them over majorly! Friends who will never forget my birthday, what food I eat, or don't eat...Friends who will remember to send me a good luck sms on the morning of my interview and remember to ask how it was later that day! Friends who never ditch me and if they do, they give me enough prior notice! Friends who have my mama's number on speed dial. Friends who tell me the truth even though I don't want to hear it. Friends who will buy me Nando's when I'm ass broke and still take me out to dinner even if I got paid! Friends who and still party with like crazy!
I guess I AM bitching but there comes a time when you have to start calling a spade a spade in case you get mad confused. Growing up ain't easy and what makes it difficult is naivete and pleading oblivion. I don't blame you for being a bad friend or a non-friend. I blame myself for letting you do it!
And so at the end of this weekend I decided to get out of that mode and start using my energy, wisely!
This weekend got me thinking about this ish. What the fuck is friendship and what does it entail? I looked at my so-called friends, and found that I had 4 types!
1. Good time friends
I have friends who know how to have a good time aka "Good Time Friends". I see them during the weekend, when times are good, and the money's in the bank and the party's on and that's where it ends really (and we like it that way)!
2. Parasitical Friends
I have friends whose shit I listen to every fucken day. Friends who take up my time complaining about their fucken priviledged existences. Friends who hardly ever ask how I'm doing and when they do, it's just to be polite! Very often, I feel like screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP, I GOT BETTER SHIT TO DO", mid conversation. But I don't. I sit my ass down and listen and hope that one day it will be okay and that the topic of conversation will change. I now think that day is never coming.
3. Fake Friends
I have friends who pretend to listen, but never remember a gahd dang thing about me. Friends I love dearly but I could never ever count on! Friends who I would never call if shit went down and I needed help ASAP! It ain't cos I'm judging, but cos I've tried it before. Friends who are too self-involved to have my back. Friends who will only be there when there's nowhere else to be. Friends who will never tell me what's going on in their lives, no matter how much I ask. Friends that make me question why the fuck I love them so dearly.
4. "My Heart"
I have friends who listen to my shit, give me sound advice about men, sex, work, money, depression, outfits, errthang. Friends who comfort me when I'm down, share my sense of humour, forgive me (eventually) when I've fucked up or fucked them over majorly! Friends who will never forget my birthday, what food I eat, or don't eat...Friends who will remember to send me a good luck sms on the morning of my interview and remember to ask how it was later that day! Friends who never ditch me and if they do, they give me enough prior notice! Friends who have my mama's number on speed dial. Friends who tell me the truth even though I don't want to hear it. Friends who will buy me Nando's when I'm ass broke and still take me out to dinner even if I got paid! Friends who and still party with like crazy!
I guess I AM bitching but there comes a time when you have to start calling a spade a spade in case you get mad confused. Growing up ain't easy and what makes it difficult is naivete and pleading oblivion. I don't blame you for being a bad friend or a non-friend. I blame myself for letting you do it!
And so at the end of this weekend I decided to get out of that mode and start using my energy, wisely!
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